A Moral Gray Area

I had sex with a guy the night before last, but he has a boyfriend. I knew that before going home with him and I didn't care. I can't decide if this is wrong or not.

There are degrees of right and wrong, seeing as the world is not black and white and context being everything, but most decisions usually fall more to one side than the other. I don't think it's a big deal, but I was definitely getting a hint of scorn vibe from my roommate. While blearily stumbling home the morning after the dirty, I called her from my cell to let her know I wasn't dead. I explained where I had been, and shared my joy of finally managing to have some decent sex this calendar year.

"Are you going to see this guy again?" she asked.

"Well, no, probably not, though I'll probably run into him again at [mutual friend]'s birthday party. I'm pretty sure he has a boyfriend."

"Oh. A cheater." {insert disgusted tone here} "That's not good."

O-kay then. Maybe she's right. But I don't know anything about their relationship. For all I know they have an arrangement where the occasional guest star is permitted, provided it doesn't lead anywhere. I've encountered that before. I was looking to get laid, not build a picket fence and adopt a child.

I can't help thinking that a lot of people don't see it this way. In this instance, I only know he had a boyfriend because the mutual friend with whom we were out told me so. (Not in words, mind you. In response to my behind-the-prospective-trick's-back, what's-the-story-with-him? look, my friend returned the classic putting-the-wedding-ring-on, shrug-of-the-shoulders move. Translation: he's taken, but don't rule out some action.) The man didn't tell me himself he had a boyfriend. They never do. Definitely signs that this is a moral gray area.

Not quite a month after I first became single, I was out on gay pride weekend at a bar and crossed paths with this hot shrink I'd been running into for months. Previously there'd been a lot of meaning-laden lingering glances, but this time I felt free to bump and grind all night. We left together, but once outside his apartment building, he looked unsure of how to proceed.

"I'd invite you up," he said with a rueful look, "but I think you have a boyfriend."

"Oh, no," I said, probably a bit too gleefully. "We broke up."

"Well, in that case..."

So to a psychiatrist, at least to this particular one, sleeping with me was a no-go if I was still in a relationship. Although it's possible that he was hoping to begin one with me and wanted to make sure the coast was clear.

(He needn't have bothered. He never returned my phone call anyway. I still run into him now and again but I'm too chicken to ask why I didn't hear from him again. I'm afraid he may have gleaned some brilliant behavioural insight into the workings of my mind and ran for the hills. It must be weird to be a shrink on the dating scene. Can you simply turn off your sharply honed analytical talents at will? Or do you find yourself working through the headcase checklist on every date? Hmm.)

Another time I was having amazingly good sex with this hot french guy (Montreal french, not France french) when we hear his "roommate" get home. Frenchie tells me to get under the covers and a moment later the "roommate" bursts into the bedroom, obviously high as a kite. Frenchie introduces me - as if we're rubbing elbows at an art show opening rather than sitting there naked, slathered in lube, porn flickering away on the television. The two of them chit-chatted about their respective evenings while the "roommate" went through the closet looking for something to change into before heading out again. The "roommate" finally leaves, and we're just getting back into it when he bursts in again!

Back into the closet. "I just need one more thing, sorry guys!"

Unbelievably this happened a third time. I didn't even bother getting back under the covers and even joined in their conversation.

Obviously he wasn't a roommate. I should have clued in earlier that something was up when Frenchie couldn't find a condom anywhere (it's okay, he did eventually). Roomie was definitely a boyfriend with prearranged play rules, but Frenchie didn't tell me this in advance. Could it because he thought I might decline his company if I knew? I'm thinking that's pretty likely.

Maybe I'm simply selfish. It doesn't affect me if they have a boyfriend or not, so I simply proceed either way. I don't think I'm destroying any homes. And it's not as if I'm some irresistible temptation - if they weren't fucking around with me, it would be with somebody else. So it might as well be me. Besides, if I'm incorrect and proceeding while in possession of boyfriend knowledge is totally wrong, karma will get me for it in the end.

It's not like I haven't encountered that before.