Going Through the Motions

Something is wrong with me. Maybe it's just today. Maybe, as my roommate has suggested, my (of late) poor eating habits are taking their toll. Maybe it's simply ennui.

I don't know. I hate everything everything right now. I feel like crying. I hear those ads on the radio for depression clinics for the clinically depressed where they rattle off a bunch of symptoms and ask "does this sound like you?" and I think, yes, actually, that does sound rather like me.

Am I depressed? Maybe. I feel like it. I feel lost. I don't know where I am going, or what I should be doing with my time. I feel like the things I have been doing with my time are a waste of time. Other than music, which always stimulates and interests me, nothing seems to have an effect on me. I find my mind wandering during converstations; I have trouble paying attention, trouble listening. I can't focus. I have no interest in dating, and lately not much interest in sex. I could sleep all day, if I had the time, but I rarely feel rested, waking up groggy and bitchy. I have restless, troublesome dreams, but come morning I can't remember them. I've no awareness of current events, of what's been going on in the world. Even trivial pop culture junk is of no interest to me lately. I hate my job right now, and it shows. I haven't even been writing, as you can see by the complete lack of entries in the past month. Everything I do, I feel like I'm going through the motions.

It's summer, my favourite time of year. It's Gay Pride week and I have lots of gigs and lots of great people to see. I should be happy. Instead I feel anxious. And sometimes angry, but at what, or why, I couldn't say.

Is this what a nervous breakdown feels like? Do I just need a vacation? Could it be something so simple? I feel on the verge of collapsing into a puddle onto the floor.

This isn't good. I'm scared. I'm scared of the future, and how empty it looks. I'm scared of my present, and how empty that looks. I'm scared of myself, of how empty I feel. I've been bummed out before, but this feels different. I don't usually feel at a loss.

Maybe I really am clinically depressed. Oh god.

How depressing.