Okay. I am, somewhat, exaggerating. For starters, I'm not really certain that Steve fits my usual definition of boyfriend, and by everybody I mean one person whose opinion I value a great deal and means the world to me and another who, while they didn't say anything, had sparks of judgment flashing in their eyes.
Let's deal with the first bit. Steve was hanging out in the dj booth while I was working Friday night. This guy I know (we were "bar friends" nearly a decade ago when we both hung out at Buddies every week, and five years ago I was, briefly, his boss, which was problematic) kept coming into the booth to hang out as well, seemingly under the mistaken impression we were the best of friends back in the day and that he had carte blanche to pop into the booth whenever the hell he felt like it. During one of these pop-ins, I found out later, he tried to kiss Steve, who wasn't having any of it. A moment later I was flipping through a cd book trying to decide on the next song when my old "friend" grabs my arm.
"Brad!" he exclaimed. "You didn't tell me Steve was your boyfriend!"
I'm not sure what kind of look passed over my face when the B-word dropped, but I'm sure it's the same one I would make if someone pushed me out of a plane on a skydiving excursion without prior warning.
I immediately feigned a mask of casualness. "Oh, didn't I?"
Thankfully this was good enough and not followed up with a myriad of "so how long have you been together?"-type questions. I went back to work, and a few moments later my co-dj, annoyed with the growing entourage, went postal and threw everyone, including Steve, out of the booth. He later apologised to Steve and let him return, though I'm not convinced he was happy about it.
Other awkward moments of the night included
a) kissing Steve, turning around and seeing the Ex waiting to say hello to me and
b) introducing Steve to someone as "my special friend" and immediately getting a questioning/dirty look from Steve afterward
The Ex seemed fine, though I know the perturbed skydiving look was on my face when I turned around and saw him and he sure as hell didn't miss it. (Dammit! Why's is so hard to play it cool?) As for the "special" comment, I meant well, but of course it was a rather horrible, mixed-message thing to say, the kind of introduction you use for the little retarded kid you voluntarily babysit for once a week, not your... boyfriend.
(My roommate and best friend, the aforementioned person who means the world to me, would likely beg to differ and then go on to add that, actually, the little retarded brother description seems entirely fitting.)
There, I've said it. Boyfriend. I thought I had to be the one to affix the label to him for it to be a reality, or that it would at least involve more of a discussion, but apparently it's possible to stumble into this sort of thing. I suppose I'm hesitant as my definition of boyfriend is decidely not casual, but I've decided to relax and go with it. Steve and I spent some quality time alone together on Saturday night and talked, with a suprising amount of ease, and we're on the same page. Chemistry, clicking, unspoken understanding... whatever word you want to use to describe that intangible feeling of rightness that rarely occurs between two people, we've got it. This boy gets me. I'm not sure why being understood is so important to me - ironically, I've never really examined it - but it's something I value and appreciate when I find it.
I've also decided to grow some balls. I love and respect my friends, and understand and appreciate that they are protective, but I am confident I know what's good for me. I know what I'm getting into, and I'm good with it. I'm not wearing blinders: Steve has some baggage. He's also completely aware of it, which for me is an important distinction. Baggage is not the same as bullshit. I don't mind helping someone with their baggage on occasion, but I won't put up with bullshit. I've a good sense of judgment, and though I occasionally err on the side of informed optimism, I'm confident in my continued ability to tell the difference.
So everybody hates my new boyfriend. So what?
I don't.
No comments:
Post a Comment