Weighing the Damage

Dammit all to hell. I decide to give into the crush, and lo and behold, crushing disappointment.

I have discovered Steve is damaged. I mean, sure, to an extent we are all damaged in some way, but he's damaged in ways I'm probably not prepared to deal with. I'm not opposed to taking care of someone - that's what you do in a relationship, you take care of each other - but I'm not seeing much evidence that I'm ever gonna be looked after by this guy. The fact that he is nearly five years younger than me could be a factor, I suppose. Even though both our lives are in places that would seem to fit with each other, I'm way more grounded than he is. (Actually, most of the time I feel more grounded than most people I know - does this mean I'm destined for repeated disappointment?)

Why do I attract these guys? And what is wrong with me that I'm attracted to these guys?

Let's assess the damage. While Steve is intelligent, fun, sexy, and affectionate, he has some substance abuse issues. To his credit, he seems reasonably self-aware about it - Friday night he agreed with me a break from partying was a great idea and we rented a movie, ate take out, and drank a bottle of red wine. It was a perfect coupley night in. And Saturday night he stayed in at home and watched television. Then again, I've done coke with him four times now - all but one at his insistence - and witnessed him doing GHB on one occasion. But he goes to the gym five times a week, eats well, doesn't smoke cigarettes... hell, he doesn't even drink coffee. He's 24, so I can't blame him for wanting to have some fun, god knows I've had, but there's a difference between fun and so off your head blotto that you keep repeating yourself, can't follow a conversation, and don't recall anything of it the following morning.

Yeah, we hung out last night and this was the state I found him in. Complete obliteration. I had to tell him this morning what had transpired the night before. I was nice enough to tell him that he'd run into an ex and had a minor but pretty civil confrontation and was visibly upset by it at the time. I left out the part where he confessed to me he used to be addicted to oxycontin and had at one point shot up (how much or what it was has yet to be determined).

It was like being on a date with the Guy Pearce character in Memento. Every few minutes, he'd forget what had happened and ask the same questions and say the same things again. It wasn't fun, it made me sad. I don't need that in my life.

Yet it's weird. When we got back to my place last night we had some great conversation, he gave me a massage, and we made out a lot. And then we cuddled and went to bed. No sex, though; we weren't in any shape for it - a potential problem yet again.

You could say I'm over reacting. I only met this guy two weeks ago. Though I am ready for a boyfriend again, the only kind of relationship I want right now is something light and fun and affectionate, with good sex, with maybe some potential for a deep, lasting bond somewhere down the road. Looked at in this light, Steve could fit the bill.

Or is that really what I want? Re-reading that last paragraph, I think there's a chance I'm lying to myself. Let's try this again: what I really want is to meet a fun, caring, sexy, grounded guy with no major hang-ups and who is as into me as I'm into them. Thing is, I'm not sure this is realistic. Does such a person exist?

I like Steve. We click and are immediatlely comfortable together. He oozes good boyfriend potential a lot of the time, and other times I think he's completely toxic and that I should run away as fast as I can. What's the tipping point? Nobody's perfect, it's a given. So how do we decide what amount of imperfection is acceptable? And do certain types of damage carry more weight than others? I don't think Steve is a lost cause - but I'm not foolish enough to think I could be the one to fix him, either.

For now, I will wait and see. I will give it more time, and not hang out with him when he's blotto. And I'll tell him, without laying down ultimatums, that there's some stuff I can deal with, and some stuff I can't, and see what he thinks. I will try to maintain my own sense of balance, one of open-mindedness and healthy realism, and let the evidence tip the scale, wherever that may be.