I Need Hard... Evidence

I think I've scared off the boyfriend. Foolishly, after leaving the Ex last night, I decided to call him. We had talked earlier that day and he'd said he'd call me back, but he didn't.

I was a little drunk. My head was reeling from a pint of beer too many and the dizzying downward descent of my evening with the Ex. I wanted to hear the voice of someone who likes me, who doesn't treat me like I'm inconsequential. I wanted, ridiculously, comforting.

I got his voice mail. I should have hung up. Instead I left a rambling, embarassing message that, when I remembered it this morning, caused me to recoil in horror at my stupidity.

The new guy does not want to hear about the Ex. He certainly does not want to know the Ex has the power to still make you angry-slash-bitter. I sent Steve a text message apologizing for my stupid message and asked him not to judge me too harshly. I told him I missed him. And that I'm a big geek. And that I hoped we could hang out soon.

What am I doing???

If he never calls me again, I have no one to blame but myself. All of my behaviour screams "MESS! DANGER! KEEP AWAY!" Sure, Steve has demonstrated behaviour that also wears that sign, and that obviously hasn't stopped me from calling him, but judging by my behaviour, I can be pretty stupid.

Oh well, what's ever gonna happen is gonna happen. Realistically, he'll call at some point, but I can feel myself losing interest. He doesn't call me back. When he does he just wants to get trashed. He's slept over here but we haven't had sex at all. It seems I really am inconsequential. None of this is what I want. Is it really too much too ask that you call me now and then and have sex with me? I don't think so.

There are many things I like about him, valid and important qualities, but they don't add up to enough on their own to continue with this silly boyfriend facade. At this point, I need to see more than just potential. At what point do I say "fuck it" and give up? I keep hoping for the moment where we hang out and it all casually falls into place: we don't get drunk, we fall into bed together, we have amazing sex, and he tells me clearly he's totally into me and that he wants us to be boyfriends.

It's been a month since we've met. At least some of this should have happened by now. I've latched on to this boy and have projected all my desires on to him without any hard evidence that he's even remotely close to being what I want and need. It's all circumstantial at best. At least when I fell for Shawn last summer there was proof, so I didn't beat myself up too badly for being taken in by his charms. I was fooled.

This time around, I think I'm just fooling myself.