Notes of Rejection

Okay. I know I said last time that I thought I'd scared off the "boyfriend" but I didn't seriously think I had. Not really. I thought a few days would pass and he'd call and we'd laugh about my silly drunk voice mail and plan a date and I'd be back on the crush rollercoaster.

But he hasn't. Swallowing my desire to not appear perturbed by this, I tried to call him. Voice mail. I listened to his greeting, really just to hear his voice, and then hung up without leaving a message. Realizing this would come off as kind of bizarre - why wouldn't I leave a message? - I followed it with a very casual text message which simply asked what he was up to tonight.

Ignoring me, apparently.

Nothing to do now but contemplate my next move. Tomorrow will mark a week since I've seen him. Last Monday I went to his work to see him and have a bite to eat. Do I go there tomorrow and see if he's working? Truthfully, I am a little worried about him. I don't know him all that well, but he never came off as the type to simply disappear like this. I've seen him get pretty blotto - what if something has happened? Even if we're through, I'd at least like to know that he's okay. But I don't want to come off as a stalker. Or as so boring that I've nothing better to do on my day off than to try to track him down.

Mind you, if he really thought that, it would certainly give me pause. There's nothing wrong with showing concern about someone. And if he can't handle me blatantly revealing through action that I really like him, it'll never work anyway. I might as well find out now.

Or I could take his ignorance of me as the sign it probably is and begin the process of moving on. I don't know. I'll decide tomorrow.

In other news, I turned down an offer of sex for the second time this week. I really don't know why - it's been four weeks now since I've had any action beyond making out, which I think is about six months in GST (Gay Standard Time). Once again, it was from someone I've had sex with before. We've hung out once or twice since then, but nothing more has happened between us. I was spinning on Saturday night when I spied him dancing in front of the dj booth. We waved hello to each other and, sweetly, later on he brought me a beer. Later in the night I came back from the loo and discovered a note from him awaiting me on the mixing board saying that he would wait until I was done for the night if he could come home with me.

This was kind of thrilling. Who wouldn't want to get a note like that? It made me feel sexy and desirable. Problem is, though we had a good time together in bed and he's very nice and all that, I'm just not that into him. He has a beautiful cock but a distractingly tragic underbite, and is a little too into spiritualism and the like for my taste - not that I'm not a spiritual person, but I can't deal with new-agey hippy-dippy stuff on any kind of ongoing basis. It upsets my delicately cultivated sense of life's inherent absurdity.

A good friend came into the booth to hang out with me for a bit. I told him about the note as he is acquainted with it's writer.

"Oh, that guy? Daryl's friend?"

"Yeah, you remember him, right?"

"Oh yeah, for sure. He's totally in love with you, you know."

Shit. Of course he is.

I popped out of the dj booth and danced with him for a bit and then told him that, unfortunately, I had to work the next day. Which was the truth, but I'm an asshole anyway. I totally gave him the impression it was a raincheck rather than a kiss-off. In my defense, I didn't want to end a great night out for him with crushing rejection- if he's as in love with me as my friend says, it would have been devastating. I'd rather let him down on a night when he hasn't put himself quite so out there.

Questionable rationalization, I know. Great note, though, really and truly. It made my night. It's really too bad I'm not into him. I'd be set.

Why can't I just go for the nice ones? When I meet a guy I like who likes me, I inevitaby end up having to chase him, usually with dire results - and I'm really not one of these people who are into the whole chase thing. The ones who fall for me are usually nice but don't interest me in the least. For once, I'd like to achieve satisfactory reciprocation.

That's it. I need a breather from this complicated dating business. I need to get back on to familar ground: a few drinks, a sexy boy and total emotional detachment. A good old-fashioned one night stand.

When in doubt, stick with what you know.